After my last post, I decided to return a few items that were weighing on me. They were pricey things that I desperately wanted to work for me, but were not working. One item was a gorgeous dress that I would never have the occasion to wear, another was a much-needed trench coat that was a smidge too small. The last was a pair of shoes that needed some finagling to fit correctly.

The total return was well over my monthly budget for clothing, and the relief was immediate. Actually, I felt happy and lighter the second I made the decision to return them. Finally, I was thinking with a clear head.

I’m still trying to attain something I know I’ll never reach. I’m not even sure I know how to put it into words. I see a photo, and I want to look like that. I want to be surrounded by the aura that the photo implies. Carefree, fun, nonchalant.

The truth is, I don’t want to look like a catalog picture. I know that even the people in the pictures don’t look like they do in the pictures (thank you, Indy Ink). I don’t want to be a 2D version of myself. I don’t want to have to fuss with clothing and hair for it to look just so, all day long.

I want to hang out with my kids while I’m still their #1. I want to build more muscle so that I can do things without help. I want to keep doing workouts and increasing my energy levels so that I’m inspired to spend a lot of time outdoors this summer.

I want to stay in touch with real life, rather than cultivate a Photoshopped life. I want to develop depth again. Those painful clothing returns were the start of a new commitment.